The Center of the Universe

Recently I have been thinking that the Universe revolves around the State of South Carolina. How silly is that - no one knows where the actual center of the universe is, but the odds of South Carolina being the center of the universe would be inconceivable. However, in the event that South Carolina is indeed the center of the universe then that would mean nothing could happen if it weren't for South Carolina.

Why on earth do I think South Carolina is the center of the universe? I had no idea and then I started thinking about it - of course I think South Carolina is the center of the Universe since I've been reading books like Mary Potter Engel's "Strangers and Sojourners", stories from the Low Country, and watching movies like "Bastard out of Carolina" and the Patriot - and of course listening to a lot of Hootie and the Blowfish, Edwin McCain, and Jump Little Children would make anyone believe that the Universe really does revolve around South Carolina. This of course is a preposterous theory so I set out to prove my theory wrong. I looked at American History and South Carolina kept coming up (No Duh! It was one of the more influential colonies and then states in the early years of this country) Then I decided Texas would prove the theory wrong since Texas seem to believe that the world revolves around Texas... Guess where all those famous Texans are from? Stephen F. Austen, Sam Houston, William Travis, and the like were born in South Carolina or born from South Carolinians.

I was still certain that this theory is entirely without grounds so I continued my quest to prove it wrong - I have not heard back from Stephen Hawking yet... I wonder if he got my letter.

I told myself that since reading, watching, and hearing so many things about South Carolina made me think it i the center of the Universe then I decided to read a book that takes place somewhere else do make my theory disappear.

I went to work, and came home with the first book I picked up at the store that takes places elsewhere, Monica Wood's "Ernie's Ark" which revolves around the small town of Abbott Falls, Maine. Certainly this book has nothing to do with South Carolina! I mean come on what re the odds? Right...? I had almost made it through the whole book when in the eighth of nine parts of "Ernie's Ark" called 'Solidarity is Not a Floor' one of the characters is writing a report on Jesse Jackson and she muses and daydreams about his Greenville childhood, even imagining the number of broken streetlights on Haney St. (The Greenville of Jesse Jackson's childhood is Greenville, S.C.)

I was still telling myself that this theory of the universe being centered at South Carolina was ridiculous so I searched and searched the bookstore for my next book - I chose another book about Maine because there's no way that two books in a row, both about Maine will reference South Carolina! Right? I chose Christine Ellen Young's "A Bitter Brew" a true crime novel about the Arsenic poisoning in Gustaf Adolf Evangelical Lutheran Church in New Sweden, Maine.

Please let me call your attention to the second paragraph on page 163 of "A Bitter Brew" by Christine Ellen Young.

"The first time Pastor Scottie delivered a sermon, it was received with open-mouthed astonishment. Traditionally GA (Gustaf Adolf) pastors had stood in the pulpit, delivering the sermons in somber, measured tones. A South Carolina native, Pastor Scottie was a dyed-in-the-wool Southern boy, and his lively evangelism was an embarrassing spectacle to this taciturn Yankee flock."

Oh geez...

It's official.

South Carolina truly is the center of the Universe.
The Ashley and Cooper Rivers do indeed come together to form the Atlantic Ocean.
Caesar's Head is really God's Throne.
The Poinsette Bridge really is the Gate to the Garden of Eden.
Columbia really is responsible for Solar Flares
Georgetown causes Hurricanes.
Saint Helena Island really is Heaven.
The Savannah River really is made of Angel Tears.
Elvis ain't dead, he just moved to Aiken.