I think I'm feeling a little bit better today, still haven't heard anything about the lab results yet, but of course it's still only Sunday. Slept most of yesterday and today, those pills are wiping me out. So, yeah did laundry and vegged.
Nothing really to talk about other than that, and forced blog entries never really do it for me.
Via con dios, muchachos,
Maddie
Currently watching: Big Trouble
Pretty funny with squirt gun games, hit men, Russian arms dealers, Dog food eating spitting toad, Rene Russo, Stanley Tucci, Tim Allen, Michael McShane, Tom Sizemore, Johnny Knoxville, Dennis Farina, Omar Epps, Jason Lee, andy richter, DJ Qualls, Sofia Vergara and two cops portrayed by Janeane Garofalo and Patrick Warburton, and a goat.
PS
"My guess is he's either going to whack 'em with a rolling pin or he's gonna bake 'em a cake. Could go either way with this crew."
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Poked and prodded and tired
So, some of you may have noticed I haven't posted in a long time. I've come down with some sort of ailment. Not sure what it is yet, the medical peoples should get my lab results back Monday or Tuesday, and should get a more definite diagnosis once they do. In the meantime I've been poked and prodded by nurses and doctors who I'm starting to believe might be secret vampires with as much blood as they've demanded.
Either way there's no reason to worry about anything at this point. They're treating the symptoms until they get the full lab results back. Even then the likeliness of it being worst case scenario is slim, and even if it is worst case scenario there's no reason to believe that it wasn't caught early enough. So yeah.
I'm on this treatment that is supposed to be making me feel better, but all it does is wipe me out. And that is why I haven't been posting much this week.
Gimmie another week or two and I should be right as rain, once I get the lab results back I'll be able to update this a bit more.
Oy vay
Maddie
PS
"Are you alright, friend? You've transcended pale."
Currently watching: LaMB
Either way there's no reason to worry about anything at this point. They're treating the symptoms until they get the full lab results back. Even then the likeliness of it being worst case scenario is slim, and even if it is worst case scenario there's no reason to believe that it wasn't caught early enough. So yeah.
I'm on this treatment that is supposed to be making me feel better, but all it does is wipe me out. And that is why I haven't been posting much this week.
Gimmie another week or two and I should be right as rain, once I get the lab results back I'll be able to update this a bit more.
Oy vay
Maddie
PS
"Are you alright, friend? You've transcended pale."
Currently watching: LaMB
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Weird Weekend and Whatabuggery.
So on Thursday night, after the heavy rains of that day's morning, I felt like going out to celebrate the rain with some friends for an hour or two. I don't expect many of my readers to understand the celebration of rain, but I'll let you know that for most of the world any rain is a reason to celebrate. Anyway, it was to be an innocent two hour window in which would be the activities of conversing and relaxing. Isn't it funny how things never really pan out like we think.
When I first arrived at the bar an acquaintance (who loves my hair) was already three sheets to the wind and looming to my right talking about this and that in drunken slurs for about thirty minutes. It was kind of adorable as I knew he wasn't driving home, but then he deicided he was going to talk to a friend of a friend for me. I think he got the idea just because this friend of a friend is taller than me. I did not put him up to this, I even tried to stop him, and tried to explain that this friend of a friend already had a girlfriend and was there to do as I was there to do: to relax. After about ten minutes the acquaintance turns to me to tell me the friend of a friend has a girlfriend. Duh.
Shortly thereafter this other guy who was at the end of the bar and had been staring at me for the entire thirty minutes I was there with that creepy drunk stare guys get. He comes to my side, begins touching my arm and back to coax me into coming closer to him meanwhile I was slowly inching away. This guy was drunk, and not the cute drunk - this was an off-putting drunk. In addition he had bad teeth, a funny mouth, was a foot shorter than me, and resembled a potato. He asked me if I liked to party. "Sure," said I making a motion towards the surrounding bar, "it's a party here, everyone's having a good time."
He nodded drunkenly and turned away from me for two minutes then came back, and asked if I liked to party again. Only this time when he asked he pointed at his nose and sniffled. "No, that's not my kind of party." I said flatly looking around for one of the big fellas I might could use as a bouncer. Then the potato guy asked me if I was sure. "Yeah, I'm sure," I said and took a step away from him, "It's not my thing." He turned away from me again then turned stepped toward me and asked me to give him a 10 second party. "No." I said sternly and walked across the bar.
A minute later Chris was taking him outside, but he came back in and crossed the bar to me a few moments later. This time he took me by the elbow, and stood on his tip-toes and asked me if I would make a video for six grand. First of all, I know this guy doesn't have an extra six thousand dollars to spend on making a video, and secondly it doesn't matter how much f&#**^% money you offer me; six thousand or six million, I am not that kind of girl, and I will not become that kind of girl. All I said was, "No."
He left me alone for about an hour and that hour was okay then he stood behind me talking to someone else, but I could feel his eyes so I left.
On Friday I left my real job early as I was going to have to come in at the break of day Saturday for a meeting so I went to a cafe where I know a few people to sit and review the California Vehicle Code and the proposal for the new procedures in California. Even with myself being intently focused on the papers in front of me another short guy with bad teeth kept wanting to get my attention - even buying me a drink without asking if I was thirsty first, and then asking me to take a break long enough to talk to him. He wasn't vulgar or rude or stand-offish like the guy on thrursday night, but he definately wasn't my type- I'm not looking and I'm definately not looking for that. He became creepy after everytime I moved my eyes from the pages to rest them he was staring at me.
I then left and went down to put my few hours in at the bar for Friday night. It was a bit slow so I spent most of the time talking to one of the regulars who drinks very little and can hold a conversation about anything. I excused myself and went to the ladies room. He jokingly said he would join me. "In a different restroom." was my response. I went to the restroom and did my business. Whilst washing my hands in he walks making sure I knew he was there he then put his hands on my hips and wrapped me into a hug. I was very surprised. Not once had I ever thought about the chances of him liking me, and yes this is someone I would give a chance at getting to know if he were to ask me out on a real date, but in the 106 ladies room? No, I had stuff I needed to do, and I don't jump into hugging and rubbing unless I've been dating someone for a long time. I don't hook up in restrooms. I am a good Christian girl, and maybe my missionary/teacher parents raised me in such a way that sets me above some people, but who really wants a hook-up in a bathroom? I'm not going to mention his name as I still don't know what his intentions really are. It was a little awkward after that.
Saturday went to work, did the meeting, went home took a nap, got up headed to the bar. Was again given the stare by an older man with a white mustache and a wide fella who took up two barstools. I ended up managing to ignore them all night and somehow never had to talk to them.
After restocking the beer and what not (Which, by the way who in the hell drinks Sharps? I always have to restock the Sharps, but I nor anyone else has ever admitting to serving any. For those of you who aren't aware of Sharps-it's a low alcoholic brew made by the fine people at Miller with only .4 abv.) Anyway, after restocking the beer and leaving the bar at four in the morning I stopped at Whataburger for a whataveggie sandwich (lettuce, tomato, onion, jalapenos, pickles, mustard on a seseme seed bun), and the world's greatest hash browns. See not all burgers have meat or meat substitute in them. Anyway, the burger jockey working that night refused to make it; he just kept saying that he could put that stuff on a regular whataburger. "No meat" I said, "We don't have 'no meat'" he said. I just ordered a potato taquito instead which wasn't even wrapped up. Driving down Broadway at four in the morning whilst wrapping a taquito takes talent. Whatabuggery.
It's been a weird weekend. Here I am wanting to have some me time, and all I have is people trying to insert themselves in some fashion into my life.
Did laundry today, and went for a drive to clear my head, I just picked a direction and went. Traffic wasn't too heavy even in the city so the drive wasn't adding to stress so I kept going and going. Eventually the buildings became smaller and more spread apart, and i came upon an overpass where the streets go under the highway. When I crested the overpass I saw before me a great field of sprouting corn stalks and my heart skipped a beat just to see farmland.
It helps to be out in the open like that sometimes where there's no one for miles.
Have to work tomorrow, have other stuff to do today so I came back sooner than I would have liked.
Seriously needs to operate on my own time for a change,
Maddie
Currently hearing: America - "Tin Man"
PS
"We ain't got a 'no-meat' burger."
When I first arrived at the bar an acquaintance (who loves my hair) was already three sheets to the wind and looming to my right talking about this and that in drunken slurs for about thirty minutes. It was kind of adorable as I knew he wasn't driving home, but then he deicided he was going to talk to a friend of a friend for me. I think he got the idea just because this friend of a friend is taller than me. I did not put him up to this, I even tried to stop him, and tried to explain that this friend of a friend already had a girlfriend and was there to do as I was there to do: to relax. After about ten minutes the acquaintance turns to me to tell me the friend of a friend has a girlfriend. Duh.
Shortly thereafter this other guy who was at the end of the bar and had been staring at me for the entire thirty minutes I was there with that creepy drunk stare guys get. He comes to my side, begins touching my arm and back to coax me into coming closer to him meanwhile I was slowly inching away. This guy was drunk, and not the cute drunk - this was an off-putting drunk. In addition he had bad teeth, a funny mouth, was a foot shorter than me, and resembled a potato. He asked me if I liked to party. "Sure," said I making a motion towards the surrounding bar, "it's a party here, everyone's having a good time."
He nodded drunkenly and turned away from me for two minutes then came back, and asked if I liked to party again. Only this time when he asked he pointed at his nose and sniffled. "No, that's not my kind of party." I said flatly looking around for one of the big fellas I might could use as a bouncer. Then the potato guy asked me if I was sure. "Yeah, I'm sure," I said and took a step away from him, "It's not my thing." He turned away from me again then turned stepped toward me and asked me to give him a 10 second party. "No." I said sternly and walked across the bar.
A minute later Chris was taking him outside, but he came back in and crossed the bar to me a few moments later. This time he took me by the elbow, and stood on his tip-toes and asked me if I would make a video for six grand. First of all, I know this guy doesn't have an extra six thousand dollars to spend on making a video, and secondly it doesn't matter how much f&#**^% money you offer me; six thousand or six million, I am not that kind of girl, and I will not become that kind of girl. All I said was, "No."
He left me alone for about an hour and that hour was okay then he stood behind me talking to someone else, but I could feel his eyes so I left.
On Friday I left my real job early as I was going to have to come in at the break of day Saturday for a meeting so I went to a cafe where I know a few people to sit and review the California Vehicle Code and the proposal for the new procedures in California. Even with myself being intently focused on the papers in front of me another short guy with bad teeth kept wanting to get my attention - even buying me a drink without asking if I was thirsty first, and then asking me to take a break long enough to talk to him. He wasn't vulgar or rude or stand-offish like the guy on thrursday night, but he definately wasn't my type- I'm not looking and I'm definately not looking for that. He became creepy after everytime I moved my eyes from the pages to rest them he was staring at me.
I then left and went down to put my few hours in at the bar for Friday night. It was a bit slow so I spent most of the time talking to one of the regulars who drinks very little and can hold a conversation about anything. I excused myself and went to the ladies room. He jokingly said he would join me. "In a different restroom." was my response. I went to the restroom and did my business. Whilst washing my hands in he walks making sure I knew he was there he then put his hands on my hips and wrapped me into a hug. I was very surprised. Not once had I ever thought about the chances of him liking me, and yes this is someone I would give a chance at getting to know if he were to ask me out on a real date, but in the 106 ladies room? No, I had stuff I needed to do, and I don't jump into hugging and rubbing unless I've been dating someone for a long time. I don't hook up in restrooms. I am a good Christian girl, and maybe my missionary/teacher parents raised me in such a way that sets me above some people, but who really wants a hook-up in a bathroom? I'm not going to mention his name as I still don't know what his intentions really are. It was a little awkward after that.
Saturday went to work, did the meeting, went home took a nap, got up headed to the bar. Was again given the stare by an older man with a white mustache and a wide fella who took up two barstools. I ended up managing to ignore them all night and somehow never had to talk to them.
After restocking the beer and what not (Which, by the way who in the hell drinks Sharps? I always have to restock the Sharps, but I nor anyone else has ever admitting to serving any. For those of you who aren't aware of Sharps-it's a low alcoholic brew made by the fine people at Miller with only .4 abv.) Anyway, after restocking the beer and leaving the bar at four in the morning I stopped at Whataburger for a whataveggie sandwich (lettuce, tomato, onion, jalapenos, pickles, mustard on a seseme seed bun), and the world's greatest hash browns. See not all burgers have meat or meat substitute in them. Anyway, the burger jockey working that night refused to make it; he just kept saying that he could put that stuff on a regular whataburger. "No meat" I said, "We don't have 'no meat'" he said. I just ordered a potato taquito instead which wasn't even wrapped up. Driving down Broadway at four in the morning whilst wrapping a taquito takes talent. Whatabuggery.
It's been a weird weekend. Here I am wanting to have some me time, and all I have is people trying to insert themselves in some fashion into my life.
Did laundry today, and went for a drive to clear my head, I just picked a direction and went. Traffic wasn't too heavy even in the city so the drive wasn't adding to stress so I kept going and going. Eventually the buildings became smaller and more spread apart, and i came upon an overpass where the streets go under the highway. When I crested the overpass I saw before me a great field of sprouting corn stalks and my heart skipped a beat just to see farmland.
It helps to be out in the open like that sometimes where there's no one for miles.
Have to work tomorrow, have other stuff to do today so I came back sooner than I would have liked.
Seriously needs to operate on my own time for a change,
Maddie
Currently hearing: America - "Tin Man"
PS
"We ain't got a 'no-meat' burger."
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
The Rumours are True
There is a wine with Chocolate in it. Though, you really can't tell. It's not bad though I can take it or leave it, but for the price it's not bad. Mostly I think it would be a good conversation piece at a dinner party. Get everyone at the party in on it except one person, have everyone exclaim how they can taste the chocolate, and see how long it takes for the one person not in on the joke to state that they indeed can taste the chocolate as well.
On second thought, it's actually pretty good, but won't be going on the list of favorites just yet.
It did not rain today. They said it was going to, the clouds gave the impression that it was going to, but nor a drop down here. Apparently they got a good bit in Austin so that is good; now if they would just send some our way.
I should start a winery. I make my own hot sauce, make my own pickles, make my own pickled peppers, why not make my own wine. If I had a commercial kitchen or someone with a business mind I might could start selling this stuff. Of course the sauce currently called "F&#*" would need to undergo a name change. We'll have to prove to Texas that it was born in America.
Look out McIlhenny; Madasco is coming to town.
Right, like that'll happen.
Anyword,
Maddie
Currently hearing: Johnny Clegg's "Scatterlings of Africa"
Currently Reading: Stephen Colbert's "I am America (And So Can You!)"
PS
"Women could not appear in public without their make-up. Homosexual men could not appear without their "beards."
On second thought, it's actually pretty good, but won't be going on the list of favorites just yet.
It did not rain today. They said it was going to, the clouds gave the impression that it was going to, but nor a drop down here. Apparently they got a good bit in Austin so that is good; now if they would just send some our way.
I should start a winery. I make my own hot sauce, make my own pickles, make my own pickled peppers, why not make my own wine. If I had a commercial kitchen or someone with a business mind I might could start selling this stuff. Of course the sauce currently called "F&#*" would need to undergo a name change. We'll have to prove to Texas that it was born in America.
Look out McIlhenny; Madasco is coming to town.
Right, like that'll happen.
Anyword,
Maddie
Currently hearing: Johnny Clegg's "Scatterlings of Africa"
Currently Reading: Stephen Colbert's "I am America (And So Can You!)"
PS
"Women could not appear in public without their make-up. Homosexual men could not appear without their "beards."
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Rain Rain Come Again... Today!
So, the stress and frustrations that accumulated into the previous post are still un-quelled, but am still working on that.
The good news from today is we actually got some rain. Sort of. There were a few times today where a little perspiration fell from the sky, but I'm not sure it qualifies as rain though. Just enough to get your windshield damp then dry up really fast to leave it all splotchy. But, it's at least a start, now if we could just get a bit more the plants won't be drying up.
Had another "realistic" dream last night. I use "realistic" in that manner because in what would be referred to as realistic dreams they're are story lines that could happen to someone in real life. there are no weird subconscious connections like purple skies or people with elephant noses in these; they are as though I am awake in a different time.
In this one I dreamt I was driving in the woods somewhere in Appalachia, and came upon a long, old, unpainted barn in a clearing. I was still driving my truck, and there was snow just beginning to fall. There were two cowboys standing in the clearing, their trucks, and one had a horse on a lead rope. I parked and opened the barn door to a long alley of stalls and tack rooms. The horses huffed in their stalls, one of the cowboys followed me, and began work as a farrier shoeing the horses. I went up a long flight of stairs to a small apartment over the barn where i changed clothes then looked out the window. The exterior was brighter than it was before and my mother was taking bags out of a taxi. I think this may be because mom was so far away on mother's day. Can't really explain the farrier, cowboy, snow, horses, barn, woods, clearing, or old truck.
Giddy-up,
Maddie
Currently watching: Fringe "The Day we Died"
PS
"Stand tall, and tell her yourself"
The good news from today is we actually got some rain. Sort of. There were a few times today where a little perspiration fell from the sky, but I'm not sure it qualifies as rain though. Just enough to get your windshield damp then dry up really fast to leave it all splotchy. But, it's at least a start, now if we could just get a bit more the plants won't be drying up.
Had another "realistic" dream last night. I use "realistic" in that manner because in what would be referred to as realistic dreams they're are story lines that could happen to someone in real life. there are no weird subconscious connections like purple skies or people with elephant noses in these; they are as though I am awake in a different time.
In this one I dreamt I was driving in the woods somewhere in Appalachia, and came upon a long, old, unpainted barn in a clearing. I was still driving my truck, and there was snow just beginning to fall. There were two cowboys standing in the clearing, their trucks, and one had a horse on a lead rope. I parked and opened the barn door to a long alley of stalls and tack rooms. The horses huffed in their stalls, one of the cowboys followed me, and began work as a farrier shoeing the horses. I went up a long flight of stairs to a small apartment over the barn where i changed clothes then looked out the window. The exterior was brighter than it was before and my mother was taking bags out of a taxi. I think this may be because mom was so far away on mother's day. Can't really explain the farrier, cowboy, snow, horses, barn, woods, clearing, or old truck.
Giddy-up,
Maddie
Currently watching: Fringe "The Day we Died"
PS
"Stand tall, and tell her yourself"
Monday, May 9, 2011
Why am I so Stressed?
Have you ever felt completely surrounded all the time with no space or moment to really truly be alone with oneself? If so, then you feel like me. Have you ever felt like everything is priced in such a manner to keep you from saving any money at all? If so, then you feel like me. Have you ever felt like you spend all your time at work, and can't do anything else during the work day? If so, then you feel like me.
This isn't paranoia.
This city is trying to kill me.
It doesn't matter where I go; there is always someone there. At work, at the bar, at the park, sitting at a red light, at home, and in the restrooms even. (Not in the same stall mind you, but I haven't been in a public restroom in over a year where I didn't have to wait in line for a toilet and/or the sink.) The only time I am truly alone is when I am in the shower. I do not include my dreams as often times my dreams a full of people, and not in the sense that I am craving to be around the people in my dreams, but that I am having anxiety over being surrounded all the time. Alone time, also known as me time, a quiet time to think to oneself, some call it me time, meditation, devotion. Whatever you want to call it is important to be able to escape from others for a little bit of time each day. Perhaps I am being too demanding or perhaps I require more time to be by myself since I have an underlying fear of crowds anyway. But, I can't even relax at home by myself in peace and quiet unless I am in the shower or lock myself in my room where the only functional available activities are sleep and getting dressed since there isn't much space for a desk or a drafting table or a craft bench or anything for that matter. I can't even go hiking in a freaking park out of freaking town without people. I am not an urban dueller at heart, and I feel more free not being confined by the knowledge that the neighbors might hear my guitar if I play too loud.
I can't afford anything. I know there are things I could stop purchasing that might help with that like driving all the way across town for an 11 year old bottle of wine, which I really only splurge on an item like that once a month if even that. With car insurance on top of bills, car payments, gas, and everything else there is that is overpriced I can't even afford an efficiency apartment in this town once you add everything up and compare it to my income. This is why I am living with a friend for whom i am so grateful for everything. Simply put I don't make enough to be completely independent. this bothers me beyond your wildest imaginations. the solution would be to get a job that pays me what I am worth, but with the economic situation that it is I am grateful for the job I do have. Of course it's not what I want to do, I am good at it, and i don't hate it - I'm just not fulfilled in the position. There haven't been any opportunities to do what I want to do; of course I don't even know what I want to do. Then there's the fact that due to traffic conditions it takes me about an hour to get to work now, and about 45 minutes to get home. Driving home for lunch is out of the question, I'd never get back in time. So I pack my lunch and end up pacing outside the break room just to get some little exercise in for the day. All in all I spend about 11 hours a day at or going to or coming from work. This does leave plenty of time to do other stuff at home; every time I try running errands before work i end up being late due to traffic, and unfortunately there is no space to do anything but stand and listen to someone talk whilst at home.
Now, I don't know about you, but I for one don't function very well in a cluttered environment. i understand that my version of clutter is different from other peoples' versions of what clutter is. If you'll notice I did not post a blog entry for a week or so before yesterday. I tell you this because my room was messy. That's how bad it is. If the environment is messy I literally shut down, and am unable to even think. If it's something i can control (IE my mess) i can force myself to get through the cleaning process. About half way when the clutter starts to dissipate I am okay to finish the rest without being uptight. when it's not my clutter and I don't know where the one whom the clutter belongs is supposed to go I can't clean that up because I don't know where it goes, but I do know it doesn't go in the middle of the floor, and when I can't even cook for myself because there is absolutely no counter space I don't think I'm being too demanding that the clutter be cleaned.
I want to cook for myself. My roommate is a great cook, and I know she always cooks because it's her way of showing that she cares, but she's already helping me out by letting the room; I can cook for myself. Of course there's no counter space to cook on, and I can't even open the refrigerator without having a panic attack because so much stuff is just piled on top of everything else you can't even see in the thing. also, I want to cook for myself because this is a relaxing activity to me, and might help reduce some of the stress. i thought about making a proposal: leave the counter clear after you're done, and let me have one shelf and one drawer in the fridge, and a corner of a shelf in the pantry so I can function as my own chef. I just haven't found the right way to ask this. That and the food she makes isn't exactly good for me, it's not terrible for people to eat this stuff, but I am not used to having so much cheese and starch in my diet.
I know this post is a bit sporadic and a bit rushed and a bit wound tight, i tried to make it coherent. I don't mean any offence to anyone who might read this. it's not anyone in particular whom i feel surrounded by all the time, it's just the fact that I am never alone to do my own thing. i like all the people who are around me - in fact I'm glad there in my life. I just need at least a few hours a day alone., and in a clutter free environment so much so that i don't run the risk of being surrounded or cluttered again if i go into the next room. How do I tell an entire city that?
anyway
-Maddie
currently hearing "The War Was in Colour" Carbonleaf
PS:
Damn Fruit Flies!
PPS
I also had a dream last night about my own wedding which is frightening since I am no where near ever being ready to ever settle down or be married, plus the fact that I haven't been in a relationship for almost two years. that might have stressed me out a bit as well.
This isn't paranoia.
This city is trying to kill me.
It doesn't matter where I go; there is always someone there. At work, at the bar, at the park, sitting at a red light, at home, and in the restrooms even. (Not in the same stall mind you, but I haven't been in a public restroom in over a year where I didn't have to wait in line for a toilet and/or the sink.) The only time I am truly alone is when I am in the shower. I do not include my dreams as often times my dreams a full of people, and not in the sense that I am craving to be around the people in my dreams, but that I am having anxiety over being surrounded all the time. Alone time, also known as me time, a quiet time to think to oneself, some call it me time, meditation, devotion. Whatever you want to call it is important to be able to escape from others for a little bit of time each day. Perhaps I am being too demanding or perhaps I require more time to be by myself since I have an underlying fear of crowds anyway. But, I can't even relax at home by myself in peace and quiet unless I am in the shower or lock myself in my room where the only functional available activities are sleep and getting dressed since there isn't much space for a desk or a drafting table or a craft bench or anything for that matter. I can't even go hiking in a freaking park out of freaking town without people. I am not an urban dueller at heart, and I feel more free not being confined by the knowledge that the neighbors might hear my guitar if I play too loud.
I can't afford anything. I know there are things I could stop purchasing that might help with that like driving all the way across town for an 11 year old bottle of wine, which I really only splurge on an item like that once a month if even that. With car insurance on top of bills, car payments, gas, and everything else there is that is overpriced I can't even afford an efficiency apartment in this town once you add everything up and compare it to my income. This is why I am living with a friend for whom i am so grateful for everything. Simply put I don't make enough to be completely independent. this bothers me beyond your wildest imaginations. the solution would be to get a job that pays me what I am worth, but with the economic situation that it is I am grateful for the job I do have. Of course it's not what I want to do, I am good at it, and i don't hate it - I'm just not fulfilled in the position. There haven't been any opportunities to do what I want to do; of course I don't even know what I want to do. Then there's the fact that due to traffic conditions it takes me about an hour to get to work now, and about 45 minutes to get home. Driving home for lunch is out of the question, I'd never get back in time. So I pack my lunch and end up pacing outside the break room just to get some little exercise in for the day. All in all I spend about 11 hours a day at or going to or coming from work. This does leave plenty of time to do other stuff at home; every time I try running errands before work i end up being late due to traffic, and unfortunately there is no space to do anything but stand and listen to someone talk whilst at home.
Now, I don't know about you, but I for one don't function very well in a cluttered environment. i understand that my version of clutter is different from other peoples' versions of what clutter is. If you'll notice I did not post a blog entry for a week or so before yesterday. I tell you this because my room was messy. That's how bad it is. If the environment is messy I literally shut down, and am unable to even think. If it's something i can control (IE my mess) i can force myself to get through the cleaning process. About half way when the clutter starts to dissipate I am okay to finish the rest without being uptight. when it's not my clutter and I don't know where the one whom the clutter belongs is supposed to go I can't clean that up because I don't know where it goes, but I do know it doesn't go in the middle of the floor, and when I can't even cook for myself because there is absolutely no counter space I don't think I'm being too demanding that the clutter be cleaned.
I want to cook for myself. My roommate is a great cook, and I know she always cooks because it's her way of showing that she cares, but she's already helping me out by letting the room; I can cook for myself. Of course there's no counter space to cook on, and I can't even open the refrigerator without having a panic attack because so much stuff is just piled on top of everything else you can't even see in the thing. also, I want to cook for myself because this is a relaxing activity to me, and might help reduce some of the stress. i thought about making a proposal: leave the counter clear after you're done, and let me have one shelf and one drawer in the fridge, and a corner of a shelf in the pantry so I can function as my own chef. I just haven't found the right way to ask this. That and the food she makes isn't exactly good for me, it's not terrible for people to eat this stuff, but I am not used to having so much cheese and starch in my diet.
I know this post is a bit sporadic and a bit rushed and a bit wound tight, i tried to make it coherent. I don't mean any offence to anyone who might read this. it's not anyone in particular whom i feel surrounded by all the time, it's just the fact that I am never alone to do my own thing. i like all the people who are around me - in fact I'm glad there in my life. I just need at least a few hours a day alone., and in a clutter free environment so much so that i don't run the risk of being surrounded or cluttered again if i go into the next room. How do I tell an entire city that?
anyway
-Maddie
currently hearing "The War Was in Colour" Carbonleaf
PS:
Damn Fruit Flies!
PPS
I also had a dream last night about my own wedding which is frightening since I am no where near ever being ready to ever settle down or be married, plus the fact that I haven't been in a relationship for almost two years. that might have stressed me out a bit as well.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Happy Mothers' Day!
Hope everyone had a happy mother's day - mine was sort of uneventful being so far away from my mother; couldn't really do much, but I did send a unique bouquet her way, and we did get to speak on the phone a bit.
Other than mother's day this weekend was more of the same old boring thing of errands, chores, and the bar. The big news is I found a 1995 Meerlust Rubicon; It wasn't cheap, but it was probably only a third of what you'd pay in most places, I also had to drive for four hours to get it; not that it was that far away, but that the traffic in this town is that bad. Then I cut my thumb peeling the foil off the top to get to the quark. I literally bled for the wine.
Worth it. Intensely full-bodied and smooth, a dark spice to it as well.
-Maddie
Currently watching: "Sherlock Holmes, and the Incident at Victoria Falls" part 2
PS
"I used to have a goat, where did it go?"
Other than mother's day this weekend was more of the same old boring thing of errands, chores, and the bar. The big news is I found a 1995 Meerlust Rubicon; It wasn't cheap, but it was probably only a third of what you'd pay in most places, I also had to drive for four hours to get it; not that it was that far away, but that the traffic in this town is that bad. Then I cut my thumb peeling the foil off the top to get to the quark. I literally bled for the wine.
Worth it. Intensely full-bodied and smooth, a dark spice to it as well.
-Maddie
Currently watching: "Sherlock Holmes, and the Incident at Victoria Falls" part 2
PS
"I used to have a goat, where did it go?"
Monday, May 2, 2011
Osama Bin Laden is Dead
As, I'm sure, most of you already know: Osama Bin Laden is dead. D - E - A - D. Dead.
On Sunday the 1st of May 2011 a United States Navy Seal put a bullet through Osama Bin Laden's head. A lot of people seemed to rejoice in this fact. Personally I'm glad he's got his, I'm glad an American Sailor gave it to him as well. I am definitely not going to sit Shiva over this man, and am in no way going to hold or partake in a wake for him, but neither will I celebrate his death. The reports say that he was buried at sea with as close of an adherence to the Islamic tradition which was possible, I am grateful that the officials were respectful enough to do that-even though he probably did not deserve that considering I've been hearing reports that he used his own wife as a human shield.
Some people are calling him a martyr. No. This man was not a martyr for any cause, most certainly not a martyr for Islam. He had to know he was not getting out of there alive, and yet he used someone else as a human shield in a desperate attempt to save his own hopeless self. Ass.
What we must remember is that this was just one guy in a massive international organization, and the whole thing does not end with his death like it did with Hitler 65 years ago to date. There will be a new head arising to take his place, there may be retaliation. When the world is finally at peace then I will celebrate: of course this probably means I will never celebrate because in the history of man there has never been a time when the entire world has been at peace with one another.
Other than that my weekend went like this:
Worked on Friday from noon 'til nine p.m. then wasn't able to fall asleep until like 3 a.m. then woke up at 7 a.m. and went to work and worked from 8 a.m. on Saturday til 2 p.m. then went to the store to get the supplies I would need for this week, and didn't get out of there until 4 in the afternoon. Went to Cornival up in Helotes from 7 to 10 then headed to the bar at 11, bar closed at 2, cleaned up a bit, didn't get home 'til 4 a.m.. Needless to say, whilst doing laundry and chores on Sunday I pretty much slept. Then I heard Bin Laden was dead, but was too tired to post anything then so am posting now as i just got home from work on this freakishly cold and cloudy day.
and yet, still no rain. Come on clouds when will you stop teasing us?
-Maddie
Currently hearing: silence
currently reading: Robert A Heinlein's "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress"
P.S.
"Breaking news: Trump demands to see death certificate."
On Sunday the 1st of May 2011 a United States Navy Seal put a bullet through Osama Bin Laden's head. A lot of people seemed to rejoice in this fact. Personally I'm glad he's got his, I'm glad an American Sailor gave it to him as well. I am definitely not going to sit Shiva over this man, and am in no way going to hold or partake in a wake for him, but neither will I celebrate his death. The reports say that he was buried at sea with as close of an adherence to the Islamic tradition which was possible, I am grateful that the officials were respectful enough to do that-even though he probably did not deserve that considering I've been hearing reports that he used his own wife as a human shield.
Some people are calling him a martyr. No. This man was not a martyr for any cause, most certainly not a martyr for Islam. He had to know he was not getting out of there alive, and yet he used someone else as a human shield in a desperate attempt to save his own hopeless self. Ass.
What we must remember is that this was just one guy in a massive international organization, and the whole thing does not end with his death like it did with Hitler 65 years ago to date. There will be a new head arising to take his place, there may be retaliation. When the world is finally at peace then I will celebrate: of course this probably means I will never celebrate because in the history of man there has never been a time when the entire world has been at peace with one another.
Other than that my weekend went like this:
Worked on Friday from noon 'til nine p.m. then wasn't able to fall asleep until like 3 a.m. then woke up at 7 a.m. and went to work and worked from 8 a.m. on Saturday til 2 p.m. then went to the store to get the supplies I would need for this week, and didn't get out of there until 4 in the afternoon. Went to Cornival up in Helotes from 7 to 10 then headed to the bar at 11, bar closed at 2, cleaned up a bit, didn't get home 'til 4 a.m.. Needless to say, whilst doing laundry and chores on Sunday I pretty much slept. Then I heard Bin Laden was dead, but was too tired to post anything then so am posting now as i just got home from work on this freakishly cold and cloudy day.
and yet, still no rain. Come on clouds when will you stop teasing us?
-Maddie
Currently hearing: silence
currently reading: Robert A Heinlein's "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress"
P.S.
"Breaking news: Trump demands to see death certificate."
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