Why am I so Stressed?

Have you ever felt completely surrounded all the time with no space or moment to really truly be alone with oneself? If so, then you feel like me. Have you ever felt like everything is priced in such a manner to keep you from saving any money at all? If so, then you feel like me. Have you ever felt like you spend all your time at work, and can't do anything else during the work day? If so, then you feel like me.

This isn't paranoia.

This city is trying to kill me.

It doesn't matter where I go; there is always someone there. At work, at the bar, at the park, sitting at a red light, at home, and in the restrooms even. (Not in the same stall mind you, but I haven't been in a public restroom in over a year where I didn't have to wait in line for a toilet and/or the sink.) The only time I am truly alone is when I am in the shower. I do not include my dreams as often times my dreams a full of people, and not in the sense that I am craving to be around the people in my dreams, but that I am having anxiety over being surrounded all the time. Alone time, also known as me time, a quiet time to think to oneself, some call it me time, meditation, devotion. Whatever you want to call it is important to be able to escape from others for a little bit of time each day. Perhaps I am being too demanding or perhaps I require more time to be by myself since I have an underlying fear of crowds anyway. But, I can't even relax at home by myself in peace and quiet unless I am in the shower or lock myself in my room where the only functional available activities are sleep and getting dressed since there isn't much space for a desk or a drafting table or a craft bench or anything for that matter. I can't even go hiking in a freaking park out of freaking town without people. I am not an urban dueller at heart, and I feel more free not being confined by the knowledge that the neighbors might hear my guitar if I play too loud.

I can't afford anything. I know there are things I could stop purchasing that might help with that like driving all the way across town for an 11 year old bottle of wine, which I really only splurge on an item like that once a month if even that. With car insurance on top of bills, car payments, gas, and everything else there is that is overpriced I can't even afford an efficiency apartment in this town once you add everything up and compare it to my income. This is why I am living with a friend for whom i am so grateful for everything. Simply put I don't make enough to be completely independent. this bothers me beyond your wildest imaginations. the solution would be to get a job that pays me what I am worth, but with the economic situation that it is I am grateful for the job I do have. Of course it's not what I want to do, I am good at it, and i don't hate it - I'm just not fulfilled in the position. There haven't been any opportunities to do what I want to do; of course I don't even know what I want to do. Then there's the fact that due to traffic conditions it takes me about an hour to get to work now, and about 45 minutes to get home. Driving home for lunch is out of the question, I'd never get back in time. So I pack my lunch and end up pacing outside the break room just to get some little exercise in for the day. All in all I spend about 11 hours a day at or going to or coming from work. This does leave plenty of time to do other stuff at home; every time I try running errands before work i end up being late due to traffic, and unfortunately there is no space to do anything but stand and listen to someone talk whilst at home.

Now, I don't know about you, but I for one don't function very well in a cluttered environment. i understand that my version of clutter is different from other peoples' versions of what clutter is. If you'll notice I did not post a blog entry for a week or so before yesterday. I tell you this because my room was messy. That's how bad it is. If the environment is messy I literally shut down, and am unable to even think. If it's something i can control (IE my mess) i can force myself to get through the cleaning process. About half way when the clutter starts to dissipate I am okay to finish the rest without being uptight. when it's not my clutter and I don't know where the one whom the clutter belongs is supposed to go I can't clean that up because I don't know where it goes, but I do know it doesn't go in the middle of the floor, and when I can't even cook for myself because there is absolutely no counter space I don't think I'm being too demanding that the clutter be cleaned.

I want to cook for myself. My roommate is a great cook, and I know she always cooks because it's her way of showing that she cares, but she's already helping me out by letting the room; I can cook for myself. Of course there's no counter space to cook on, and I can't even open the refrigerator without having a panic attack because so much stuff is just piled on top of everything else you can't even see in the thing. also, I want to cook for myself because this is a relaxing activity to me, and might help reduce some of the stress. i thought about making a proposal: leave the counter clear after you're done, and let me have one shelf and one drawer in the fridge, and a corner of a shelf in the pantry so I can function as my own chef. I just haven't found the right way to ask this. That and the food she makes isn't exactly good for me, it's not terrible for people to eat this stuff, but I am not used to having so much cheese and starch in my diet.

I know this post is a bit sporadic and a bit rushed and a bit wound tight, i tried to make it coherent. I don't mean any offence to anyone who might read this. it's not anyone in particular whom i feel surrounded by all the time, it's just the fact that I am never alone to do my own thing. i like all the people who are around me - in fact I'm glad there in my life. I just need at least a few hours a day alone., and in a clutter free environment so much so that i don't run the risk of being surrounded or cluttered again if i go into the next room. How do I tell an entire city that?

anyway
-Maddie

currently hearing "The War Was in Colour" Carbonleaf

PS:
Damn Fruit Flies!

PPS
I also had a dream last night about my own wedding which is frightening since I am no where near ever being ready to ever settle down or be married, plus the fact that I haven't been in a relationship for almost two years. that might have stressed me out a bit as well.