Rain Rain Come Again... Today!

So, the stress and frustrations that accumulated into the previous post are still un-quelled, but am still working on that.

The good news from today is we actually got some rain. Sort of. There were a few times today where a little perspiration fell from the sky, but I'm not sure it qualifies as rain though. Just enough to get your windshield damp then dry up really fast to leave it all splotchy. But, it's at least a start, now if we could just get a bit more the plants won't be drying up.

Had another "realistic" dream last night. I use "realistic" in that manner because in what would be referred to as realistic dreams they're are story lines that could happen to someone in real life. there are no weird subconscious connections like purple skies or people with elephant noses in these; they are as though I am awake in a different time.

In this one I dreamt I was driving in the woods somewhere in Appalachia, and came upon a long, old, unpainted barn in a clearing. I was still driving my truck, and there was snow just beginning to fall. There were two cowboys standing in the clearing, their trucks, and one had a horse on a lead rope. I parked and opened the barn door to a long alley of stalls and tack rooms. The horses huffed in their stalls, one of the cowboys followed me, and began work as a farrier shoeing the horses. I went up a long flight of stairs to a small apartment over the barn where i changed clothes then looked out the window. The exterior was brighter than it was before and my mother was taking bags out of a taxi. I think this may be because mom was so far away on mother's day. Can't really explain the farrier, cowboy, snow, horses, barn, woods, clearing, or old truck.

Giddy-up,
Maddie

Currently watching: Fringe "The Day we Died"

PS
"Stand tall, and tell her yourself"

Why am I so Stressed?

Have you ever felt completely surrounded all the time with no space or moment to really truly be alone with oneself? If so, then you feel like me. Have you ever felt like everything is priced in such a manner to keep you from saving any money at all? If so, then you feel like me. Have you ever felt like you spend all your time at work, and can't do anything else during the work day? If so, then you feel like me.

This isn't paranoia.

This city is trying to kill me.

It doesn't matter where I go; there is always someone there. At work, at the bar, at the park, sitting at a red light, at home, and in the restrooms even. (Not in the same stall mind you, but I haven't been in a public restroom in over a year where I didn't have to wait in line for a toilet and/or the sink.) The only time I am truly alone is when I am in the shower. I do not include my dreams as often times my dreams a full of people, and not in the sense that I am craving to be around the people in my dreams, but that I am having anxiety over being surrounded all the time. Alone time, also known as me time, a quiet time to think to oneself, some call it me time, meditation, devotion. Whatever you want to call it is important to be able to escape from others for a little bit of time each day. Perhaps I am being too demanding or perhaps I require more time to be by myself since I have an underlying fear of crowds anyway. But, I can't even relax at home by myself in peace and quiet unless I am in the shower or lock myself in my room where the only functional available activities are sleep and getting dressed since there isn't much space for a desk or a drafting table or a craft bench or anything for that matter. I can't even go hiking in a freaking park out of freaking town without people. I am not an urban dueller at heart, and I feel more free not being confined by the knowledge that the neighbors might hear my guitar if I play too loud.

I can't afford anything. I know there are things I could stop purchasing that might help with that like driving all the way across town for an 11 year old bottle of wine, which I really only splurge on an item like that once a month if even that. With car insurance on top of bills, car payments, gas, and everything else there is that is overpriced I can't even afford an efficiency apartment in this town once you add everything up and compare it to my income. This is why I am living with a friend for whom i am so grateful for everything. Simply put I don't make enough to be completely independent. this bothers me beyond your wildest imaginations. the solution would be to get a job that pays me what I am worth, but with the economic situation that it is I am grateful for the job I do have. Of course it's not what I want to do, I am good at it, and i don't hate it - I'm just not fulfilled in the position. There haven't been any opportunities to do what I want to do; of course I don't even know what I want to do. Then there's the fact that due to traffic conditions it takes me about an hour to get to work now, and about 45 minutes to get home. Driving home for lunch is out of the question, I'd never get back in time. So I pack my lunch and end up pacing outside the break room just to get some little exercise in for the day. All in all I spend about 11 hours a day at or going to or coming from work. This does leave plenty of time to do other stuff at home; every time I try running errands before work i end up being late due to traffic, and unfortunately there is no space to do anything but stand and listen to someone talk whilst at home.

Now, I don't know about you, but I for one don't function very well in a cluttered environment. i understand that my version of clutter is different from other peoples' versions of what clutter is. If you'll notice I did not post a blog entry for a week or so before yesterday. I tell you this because my room was messy. That's how bad it is. If the environment is messy I literally shut down, and am unable to even think. If it's something i can control (IE my mess) i can force myself to get through the cleaning process. About half way when the clutter starts to dissipate I am okay to finish the rest without being uptight. when it's not my clutter and I don't know where the one whom the clutter belongs is supposed to go I can't clean that up because I don't know where it goes, but I do know it doesn't go in the middle of the floor, and when I can't even cook for myself because there is absolutely no counter space I don't think I'm being too demanding that the clutter be cleaned.

I want to cook for myself. My roommate is a great cook, and I know she always cooks because it's her way of showing that she cares, but she's already helping me out by letting the room; I can cook for myself. Of course there's no counter space to cook on, and I can't even open the refrigerator without having a panic attack because so much stuff is just piled on top of everything else you can't even see in the thing. also, I want to cook for myself because this is a relaxing activity to me, and might help reduce some of the stress. i thought about making a proposal: leave the counter clear after you're done, and let me have one shelf and one drawer in the fridge, and a corner of a shelf in the pantry so I can function as my own chef. I just haven't found the right way to ask this. That and the food she makes isn't exactly good for me, it's not terrible for people to eat this stuff, but I am not used to having so much cheese and starch in my diet.

I know this post is a bit sporadic and a bit rushed and a bit wound tight, i tried to make it coherent. I don't mean any offence to anyone who might read this. it's not anyone in particular whom i feel surrounded by all the time, it's just the fact that I am never alone to do my own thing. i like all the people who are around me - in fact I'm glad there in my life. I just need at least a few hours a day alone., and in a clutter free environment so much so that i don't run the risk of being surrounded or cluttered again if i go into the next room. How do I tell an entire city that?

anyway
-Maddie

currently hearing "The War Was in Colour" Carbonleaf

PS:
Damn Fruit Flies!

PPS
I also had a dream last night about my own wedding which is frightening since I am no where near ever being ready to ever settle down or be married, plus the fact that I haven't been in a relationship for almost two years. that might have stressed me out a bit as well.

Moody Post

Hey folks.

So, I did not sleep well last night. I think it has something to do with waking up every hour sweating from the heat despite the lack of clothing and/or blankets in use. I don't know about you, but I'm not one of the types who can sleep well if it is too warm. I think in this case it is because of the ambient temperature being kind of high inside my bedroom, partially because recently I've noticed I've been running a little hot. My internal temperature seems to be constantly higher than it should be, and when I touch my skin it feels like I am running a fever even though I do not feel sick or anything like sick. just overheating. Any ideas or tips - this has been going on for awhile now, and frankly I'm sick of it.

Today was an alright day, nothing too terrible, but nothing too great either. I spent all day at work of course, and during the weekdays I always feel like I've wasted my day at work. I know this means that I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing or I'm not doing what I was designed to be doing or something along those lines. Even though I work diligently and efficiently and am incomprehensibly good at what I do. I'm just not fulfilled by it. The problem here is I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I know what I would like to be doing, but I don't know how to turn my passions into economic gain.

Additionally, I still want to go back to school, but with each day passing that dream seems farther away.

Moving along, because it doesn't help anybody to be a whiny little bitch.

Yesterday Devin reminded me of a time long ago, seems like another lifetime, in which there was a massive snow storm leaving nearly the entirety of the city without power. Because my place of residence was on the same power grid as the hospital I had my power fixed before the storm was even through. Because no one else I had power, and I did: I had a whole group of friends over so they could have a hot shower, warm meal, and get in touch with the outside world. It was a fond memory, but then I started thinking about who here, if without power, would even tell me they were without power for me to offer them the same. Then I thought if I were without power there really wouldn't be anyone to open their shower for me save for one, but she's my roommate so if I were without power so would she be. Of course, San Antonio rarely loses power, and never for days on end so it's unlikely this theory would ever have to be placed into practice.

So today wasn't bad, but did a lot of thinking along the down side of things. Trying to be a bit more up-tempo.

An old friend of mine, Gabriel makes homemade root beer, and a couple weeks ago I bought a case off him to help him pay for his big move across the country, and I gotta say it's pretty damn good stuff. In fact I think I will have one tonight, with a bit of sour mash for a nightcap.

Sarsaparilla!
-Maddie

Currently hearing: Brendan Bowyer's "Boulavogue"
Currently reading: Robert A Heinlein's "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress

P.S.
"The polar bears will protect me from Jesus"